Consent in BDSM

Consent is a key element in the BDSM lifestyle and is central to The Cathedral's Ethos.  As the cornerstone of all healthy relationships—whether romantic, platonic, sexual, or kink-based. In the world of ethical and intentional interactions, the acronym FRIES is a helpful way to remember what true consent looks like. Coined by Planned Parenthood, FRIES outlines five core principles that must all be present for consent to be valid: 

Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific.

Consent must be given without pressure, manipulation, or coercion. That means each person has the ability to say yes or no freely. If someone is under the influence of drugs, alcohol, or experiencing emotional or social pressure, or in an altered headspace (e.g., subspace, manic frenzy, etc.) their ability to consent may be compromised.

Example: If someone agrees to a scene or activity because they feel obligated, pressured, or fear rejection, that’s not freely given consent.

Anyone can change their mind at any time, for any reason—even in the middle of an activity. Consent isn’t permanent, and it doesn’t have to be justified.

Example: A partner who was enthusiastic about a certain type of play may decide mid-scene that they want to stop. That boundary must be respected immediately.

Consent is only valid when all parties have the information they need. This means being honest about your intentions, risks, health status, and any conditions that could affect a partner’s choice.

Example: If someone agrees to a scene under the belief that it will be private, but you intend to have others watch or photograph it, that’s not informed consent. Everyone needs to know the context, risks, and who is involved before giving a real yes.

Consent should come with excitement and genuine interest—not a reluctant or passive “okay.” If someone isn’t fully into it, it’s worth checking in and reconsidering.

Example: A mumbled “sure” with hesitation is not enthusiastic consent. A clear, excited “yes” is what you're looking for.

Consent must be given for each activity—not a blanket agreement for “whatever happens.” Just because someone consented to one activity doesn’t mean they’ve consented to others.

Example: Saying yes to spanking does not mean saying yes to degradation, rope bondage, or sexual contact. Each must be negotiated separately.

FRIES is more than an acronym—it’s a mindset. In consensual, intentional spaces (including BDSM, polyamory, or sex-positive communities), it’s a shared value system that helps build trust and reduce harm. By grounding your interactions in FRIES-based consent, you ensure that all parties feel respected, empowered, and safe.

Whether you're negotiating a scene, exploring a new relationship, or revisiting long-term dynamics, FRIES provides a reliable ethical compass. Consent isn’t just a checkbox—it’s an ongoing, living agreement between people. Practicing FRIES-based consent creates space for authenticity, exploration, and mutual respect.

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent#:~:text=Before%20being%20sexual%20with%20someone,others%20(like%20having%20sex).